January and February weren’t so hot for me. It rained nonstop, and I fell into a bit of a funk. I was tired all the time, overworking myself, and feeling disconnected from others. No bueno.  Here’s a blog post from February that I found sitting in my drafts:

In January there was a mini film fest at my local theater celebrating the work of the Spanish director Pedro Almodovar. About a week later there was also the annual David Bowie dance party at a club in my neighborhood. Bowie and Almodovar are both incredibly glamorous and dramatic artists, and most of their work revolves around sex, drugs and rock and roll. At the time I found myself longing for a bit of glamour and art in my life. Instead, all I got was druggie drama.

I think that my tweaker burnout upstairs neighbors must have made the same New Year’s resolution as I did – be more social.  Multiple times a week they stay up high all night playing dominos, golf (?????), drinking, and who knows, probably doing woodwork. Their hangouts mirror my desired sleep schedule, starting at 10pm and raging til 7 am. Sometimes they go on even longer into the day, making it who knows how long, 18+ hrs of partying. As I’m writing right now, it’s been about 14 hours of this bullshit.

Where am I going with this? I guess I haven’t felt rested in a long time.  Every  day I say some variation of  “I’m tired.” I feel stuck. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I just want to sleep all the time. It’s been raining all day, every day  for months. Life seems dirty and grimy. Yesterday I was commuting to work… lately it’s been incredibly crowded because of the rain, so we were marching together like grumpy wet cattle, and as I looked down at the steps as I climbed the stairwell, I saw a GIANT naaaaasty pile of human shit. I found myself thinking “Oh no! I should warn this guy in front of me!”, but nothing came out of my mouth, not even “Holy crap!”, which would have been a great pun… Thankfully he didn’t step in it, but then for the rest of the day I just felt incredibly guilty that I couldn’t even warn somebody about shit. And I know that is absurd.

How does one break out of this jaded  and useless “I’m tired” cycle? I don’t know. Waiting for this one to pass.

Ooooooof. It’s April now, and I’m feeling better. I tried to figure out what exactly I did to break out of it, and I’m not sure. To be honest, it stopped raining everyday, and that made a huge difference. I’m biking to work most days now, and I’m back to running regularly. The exercise really helps my emotions, which makes me feel like such an animal.  I got a little bit better at my job and as a result I don’t feel like I have to take my work home all the time to “catch up.” I’ve been trying to reach out to friends more, but that’s a mixed bag. There was a point in Feb when I was getting rescheduled/cancelled on multiple times in a row. That’s life, but it was still hard not to take it personally.

You know, it’s kind of terrifying that something as simple as the weather could fuck with my head so much. I can’t control the rain, but I can plan things to look forward to. I’ve got dogsitting gigs booked out until June, and I have a few trips that I need to plan, including a trip to NYC in a few weeks.

Ummm… what else is going on…

• I’m still obsessed with the Fat Guy (not) cycling across America, and have started watching pirated episodes of My 600 lb Life on YouTube. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know why.
• In March my mom’s laptop screen died. After a week of back and forth texts and calls, trying to diagnose the issue of 3 different and very much broken computers over the phone, I decided to just buy her a  new Chromebook. Looked at Amazon, watched a few videos, and ten minutes later, click, new computer on the way, done. At $80 to diagnose/fix the old Chromebook, a new computer at $200 seemed like a no-brainer. It felt really good being able to throw some money at a problem without worrying at all about the cash.
• I helped my unemployed roommate get some part time work at my company, and I feel good about that too. The whole process has been completely different than working at a larger company. It’s much more casual and nebulous. For example, there was never, and probably will never be an official job description for the contract work she’ll be doing. At my previous company there would have been so much red tape. It’s really interesting. +1 for small companies.
• Ryan and I are going through the steps to enter San Francisco’s BMR housing lottery (mandatory workshops, counseling, looking into loans, etc.), but I don’t feel too attached to the idea. Actually, if you know me, I loathe the idea of home ownership. But hey, it’s something to do with my time. As Ryan says, at the very least I’ll have something to talk to my mom about.

Last week I visited a friend for lunch. As we were catching up, I apologized for not being more available. I’ve been a hermit this summer/fall. To be honest, I hadn’t been out and about because I’ve felt embarrassed that I wasn’t where I wanted to be professionally by a certain timetable. For some reason I was determined not to show my face again until “X” happened, and I would have some sort of good news to share. In the past it was “I’m not seeing anybody until I finish my program.” Now it’s “I’m not coming out until I get a job.”

My friend said that that was silly because why would my friends care? Friends are there to support you. I don’t know, I felt ashamed, and shame is a strange motivator.

This feeling applies to blogging as well. I’ve been reticent to blog about what’s going on in my life because I’d like to have positive news to share. All I’ve been about is coding, and hey, I have an entire other blog for that.

At any rate, here’s an update on my life.  I finished my program at the end of July. Sweet relief poured over me for about a day, then it was on to the grind of finding a job. Given my freshness, I just didn’t feel “ready” to start applying for jobs. So I set up coffee meetings and studied up on algorithms and data structures. After about 3 weeks I started applying.

I’ve been job hunting for about two months now, and it’s been a trip for sure. At the beginning I was anxious and afraid that no one would take me seriously. I just didn’t know what to expect. I was cautious about taking that first step – applying to a job, or contacting someone cold on LinkedIn or via email, or approaching people at meetups. Now, several months in (and one month-long intensive technical interviewing course later…), I have forced myself through so many uncomfortable situations that I had no choice but to grow.

I’ve gotten over approaching people, both at meetups and online. Meetups are still hit or miss, but I go to several per week, and I’m starting to recognize people, which makes me more inclined to go. People have generally been very friendly, and the few times when it has been awkward I just ate the free pizza and left.

As for contacting people online, I’ve tried to get away from the feeling that I was “bothering” somebody. What else is LinkedIn for besides the professional game? If people didn’t want me to contact them, why would they put their contact information online? HMMMM?

I can’t say that I’ve gotten over my nervousness during interviews (whether it’s phone, tech screen, or onsite), but I can say that I’ve let go of the emotional baggage that comes with the process, including rejection. Being rejected doesn’t mean that you’re not a good developer. It may mean that you had a bad day, or you didn’t study enough on a particular topic, or maybe you didn’t build good rapport with the interviewer. Or on their end… maybe they had already decided to hire someone internally, maybe they lost funding, maybe they’re looking for someone with slightly different skills. I’m trying my best to move fast and embrace rejection.

One thing that has helped is keeping detailed notes about each interview, usually noting specific questions asked, thoughts about my performance, and opportunities to improve. For the coding challenges that ask me to spend 1 – 3 hours of my time, I’ve tried to spin it into at the very least a post for my coding blog. And if I’ve had a positive interaction with an interviewer even if they rejected me, I’ll still ask to connect on LinkedIn. I like to think of my LI network as a blob that is slowly engulfing San Francisco.

Besides job hunting, the other major thing that I’ve had going on has been dogsitting. I have an account on DogVacay, and since May or June, I’ve had the privilege of being paid to care for dogs. While it is work, the puppy therapy has been wonderful for my mood and general health (so… much… walking). Surprisingly I’ve gotten enough “regulars” that I don’t advertise anymore.

I mean look at these guys. So adorable. <3

Other things coming up… Right now is one of my favorite times of year. I’m loving the autumn chill, crunchy leaves and the pumpkin spice (although Trader Joe’s kind of went overboard). No Halloween plans yet, but I would like to get the boredom scared out of me. In November I’m going to Cincinnati for a Ruby Conference.  Then it’s my birthday, and then it’s the holidays, then it’s 2017. Damn!!