Life – Page 9 – Tracy Tran

Life

Impromptu Family Lunch

I posted this photo on my Instagram last week, but thought it might make sense to post it here too for my mom to see.

My aunt Jean lives in New Jersey. I’d heard my mom mention that my cousins Devin and Andrew were in LA visiting for a few weeks. And yet when I got an 8:40 am call from my aunt asking if I wanted to get lunch I was still shocked. My family just doesn’t make it to San Francisco very often. Like… what? Lunch? Ok!

My aunt and cousins were on some weird asian tour where they only had a few hours of free time before getting back on the bus. So, I shuffled things around to see them. We went to the Ferry building, sat by the water and talked business, which is probably the one thing that my family as a whole is most passionate about. CASH CASH MONEY. $$$. Well, family, then money. We talked the whole way back, realizing by the time I’d walked up to my office that we’d forgotten to take a picture together. And so- we took a photo next to my crazy desk at work. Totally more scenic than the Embarcadero, hahah.

It was good seeing them, especially since I never make it out to Jersey. Talking to my aunt about her latest business success definitely inspired me to keep messing around with side business ideas. Or rather, it’s giving me a swift kick in the ass to actually DO something. “Just try it, do a little bit, and see how it goes. You have to be willing to try” she says. When she said it, it made total sense to me. I’ve been in my head overanalyzing all the different things that I could do. My problem is that I really Â just need to DO Â something, anything. Then I can analyze and see if it’s working. I’m still thinking, but I’ve got some plans brewing.

Life

All My Fault

Yesterday was kind of a crap day. I’ve been feeling a bit muddled and isolated, despite the clear weather and the fact that I just got back from a fun camping trip with friends. I wasn’t looking forward to biking home in a foggy state, and the traffic home didn’t look inviting. As I exited my office on First street, I noticed that there was a lineup of Muni buses all the way down to the Ferry Building! Nuts.

I hopped on my bike and plodded down Market Street. Around Kearny or so I misjudged the light and ended up cutting through a crosswalk seconds after the light had definitely changed for pedestrians. I tried not to run into anybody, but one 20 something woman was running across and we almost ran into each other. “JESUS CHRIST” she grumbled. Then she made it across to the other side of the street, and unsuccessfully chased after a 5 bus that was pulling away. She turned to me as I biked past her and yelled “This is all your fault!”

I didn’t react immediately like I wish I could have. I’m the type of person who can overreact like crazy to racism/sexism/any sort of ism but I’m slow to respond to any other situation, especially a confrontation. All I could think was “Did she really just say that? What the hell?” Oh and of course my second thought was that she should get a bike if she’s so unsatisfied with Muni :).

I used to get very upset when total strangers got angry with me. For some reason I thought that if someone I didn’t even know got angry at all then I must have actually done something terrible or acted like a bitch (bitchy resting face!!). Then I learned that people are complex, and people are assholes. But most likely Â that angry woman just got caught up in her own story. She can tell herself that it was my fault for running the light that she missed her bus. I can tell myself that she was acting crazy and not paying attention to oncoming traffic. What’s true? Who cares? Life (and even reality) is the stories we tell ourselves. It’s a lesson I keep trying to learn.

Life

Power Through

Halls are only for Type A freaks who work when they’re sick, obviously.

Life

What Does Depression Feel Like?

I go in and out of waves of low level depression. Not suicidal style, but just general humphiness and a flatline of emotion, accompanied by the usual “what’s the point of life” questions. Â Over the years I’ve gotten my coping strategies together, and mostly just soldier through when the “dog days” arrive, but it’s cyclical and it sucks.

I’ve been trying to think of the best way to describe it, but I think “melancholy” is the simplest. I’ve heard of “dysthymia” but I don’t know if it helps much to self diagnose. Explaining it to friends can be tricky, since there’s such a range of mood disorders. I don’t want to worry people, but I do want to explain what I feel.

Thankfully I’ve run into some really insightful blog posts about depression lately. I’ve been meaning to post about Hyperbole and a Half’s recent posts (part 1 and part 2), but haven’t been able to get around to it. Today The Bloggess wrote a sort of inspirational “Keep on trucking” type of post about depression. It’s pretty great too, so I thought I’d make this one a twofer. You don’t have to read the Bloggess one, but the Hyperbole and a Half ones are SO GOOD. My favorite is part 2. They’re long, so grab a beer and sit back. And if you don’t have time now, here’s a teaser…

She explains how difficult it can be to make casual chitchat with friends when you’re feeling depressed.

I’ve heard that my face is pretty emotionless/hard to read, so I often think about what my face looks like. Totally get it. Along the same lines, ran into this today on The Hairpin and love it. I totally have bitchface.

Life

Acceptance and Letting Go of Expectations

Over Memorial Day I took a trip down to Los Angeles to visit my mother. It was a belated Mother’s Day celebration visit, yet I felt dread.

Ever since my mom opened her Vietnamese restaurant in 2010, she’s been very unavailable, even when I come down from San Francisco. Her eyes are on the prize, she works every day, even when she has pneumonia. TRUTH.Â The last few times that I’ve visited, I’ve gotten my feelings hurt terribly. I would come out for a multi-day visit yet only see my mom for a few hours. It was just weird, and it hurt a lot.

My therapist had me total out the amount of time that I spend with my mom over the course of a year and all I could think was total, maybe a 6-12 hours? A day or two? Who knows.Â After a few years of these trips I started feeling abandoned. Over time I accepted that my mom is a workaholic. There’s really nothing that can be done. And even though I know this, my mom’s utter dedication to her work stings every time.

While I was preparing myself emotionally for this visit, I thought… what if I do things differently this time?What if instead of bemoaning the fact that my mom can’t spend as much time with me as I would like I simply accept that it’s not going to change and focus on enjoying the time that we do spend together?

I can’t say that I didn’t make it through the trip without feeling a bit exasperated, but the shift in thinking helped a lot. Instead of going “oh, here we go again” when my mom was late or had to go back to work I just let it be. I had plans, I lived my life. She popped in for a little bit and we had fun. It was so much… easier. I accepted that my mom would be busy at work and I let go of the expectation that she would take massive amounts of time off to hang out with me. Â This sounds simple, but it was a revelation.

Today I was upset and angry about being let down in the same ways time and time again by those close to me. I was thinking to myself, if they would just stop doing this one stupid thing that hurts my feelings, if they could make an honest effort to change maybe we could get along better… Then I stopped myself, thinking of my nice trip to LA. Reason intervened. The truth is that maybe they will change, maybe they won’t, or maybe they can’t- but it’s really not up to me. I’veÂ already voiced my feelings and desires.

What I can do however is work on accepting them as they are and changing my expectations and my reaction.

So a friend keeps letting me down in the same way every time we get together? What if I just decide that it’s not my problem and I won’t let it bother me anymore? What if I let go of wanting this one thing? Would I stop being disappointed and hurt? I don’t know, but I hope so.